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United Sucks/Transcript
Cast (in order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Solomon Muto, reporter, Téa Gardner, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor, Yugi Muto, Maximillion Pegasus, Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood, Dartz, Alister, Rafael, ???????, Serenity Wheeler, guards, Glen, Seto Kaiba, PR guy, Mokuba Kaiba Running time: 10:49 Transcript (standard flying cards opening) YAMI: ''Yu-Gi-Oh!'' is filmed before an impatient studio audience! AUDIENCE MEMBER: Show the episode! (cut to game shop; Solomon is sweeping the ground) SOLOMON: Juuust hope nobody ever finds the bodies I buried under here. (cut inside; a news report plays onscreen) REPORTER: All around the world, reports are coming in of people seeing strange lights in the sky! This apparently constitutes an interesting news story! (cut to Téa, Joey, Tristan, and Yugi watching) In other headlines, Seto Kaiba announces plans for a school that teaches kids to play card games. We ask him what kind of drugs he's taking. TÉA: Why are we watching this on a laptop? JOEY: Last time we tried watching TV together, Tristan punched a hole through it. TRISTAN: I thought it was a ghost. (Joey picks up Yugi's Eye of Timaeus card JOEY: Hey, Yug. Good thing you had this card at the end of the last episode. It saved our butts. YUGI: (takes the card from Joey) That card definitely helped. But what really saved us was the bond that I share with my partner. (Yami appears behind Yugi as a spirit) Right, Pharaoh? YAMI: (telepathically) Clean your room! YUGI: I'll do it in a minute! God, lay off! JOEY: I wonder what else this thing can do! (snatches Timaeus from Yugi's hand and rubs it with his sleeve) Magical trading card, give me a new TV! TRISTAN: (punches Joey on the head) A ghost! (title sequence) SOLOMON: Yugi, I finished sweeping the floor! Can I come back inside? YUGI: (offscreen) I'll allow it. SOLOMON: I see Joey and Tristan finally hooked up! TRISTAN: (whispering) I'm glad you were my first. JOEY: Shut up, Tristan. SOLOMON: (holds a package) Also, your father told me to give you this package. YUGI: My father was here? SOLOMON: Oh, no, my mistake. It was the mailman. You know, someone you actually see on a regular basis. I get those two mixed up sometimes. TRISTAN: Yugi's dad is a mailman? You guys must be loaded. JOEY: Who's it from, Yug? TÉA: It says, "Warning: contains filler plot details". (Téa, Joey, and Tristan scream in horror) JOEY: Oh God, not another filler arc! The last one took like three years to get through! (cut to the opened package; it contains a video tape and an Illusion's Key card) YUGI: It's from Pegasus. JOEY: What the hell is it? TRISTAN: Yeah, and how can it be from a pegasus? TÉA: Is it some form of ancient Blu-Ray? TRISTAN: Pegasuses don't even exist! JOEY: Seriously, anybody ever seen one of these before? TRISTAN: They're fictional beings. YUGI: I have. In Season 1, when Pegasus stole my grandpa's soul. TRISTAN: It was probably just a horse. (flashback) PEGASUS: I took your grandpa's soul, I look incredible. I made this tournament. 'Cause my wife, she did a'splode. (Cecelia explodes; end flashback) JOEY: Maybe he'll take someone's soul that we don't care about this time. (Yugi inserts the video tape into the VCR) TRISTAN: Yeah! Like Yamcha! JOEY: How do you know who that is? (Pegasus comes onscreen) PEGASUS: How do, Yugi-boy? Don't worry, I'm not here to steal anyone's soul this time. TRISTAN: (offscreen, loud) Take Yamcha's soul! PEGASUS: (close-up) No. (camera retreats, music starts) I'm sure you're all wondering why the planet is being invaded by monsters. Well, I'' know who's behind it. And rather than inform the authorities or the National Guard, or warn the general public about it, I made the far more rational decision of filming a vague message on a videotape and sending it to a group of schoolchildren. '''TRISTAN': Kill Yamcha! PEGASUS: (close-up) No. (camera retreats, music starts) I've also enclosed a one-of-a-kind Duel Monsters card, which will give you access to my personal compound. By the way, I have a personal compound. YUGI: eBay. PEGASUS: Whatever you do, don't sell it on eBay! YUGI: F*ck you! eBay! PEGASUS: No eBay! YUGI: I'll do what I want with your damn card! Right, Yami!? (Yami appears as a spirit; background darkens) YAMI: Clean your room! YUGI: God damn it, you never help me ever! (cut to a robotic bug on the windowsill) TRISTAN: (offscreen, loud) Why isn't anybody killing Yamcha?! (cut to Rex and Weevil spying on Yugi and his friends from a bush) REX: Uhuhuhuhuh. I don't know what this "Yamcha" is, but it sounds like a reference. WEEVIL: Yeah, heheheheh. References suck. REX: (puts his headset away) I can't believe Pegasus is gonna give those buttmunches a bunch of rare cards. WEEVIL: Woah! Heheheheh. I just got, like, an idea, or something. REX: You're sure it's not a fart? WEEVIL: I think I know the difference between a fart and an idea. Heheheheh. We should, like, follow those guys. So we can get rare cards too, and then we'll score. REX: Yeah. Chicks love dudes who think about card games all the time. WEEVIL: Yeah. (his glasses glint as he laughs) Hey, Rex. I got another idea. REX: Uhuhuhuhuh. What is it? (Weevil farts) WEEVIL: Um, never mind. (cut to temple) DARTZ: (singing) When you're all down to the hill, where he come fwom we will know... (speaking) Aw wight, douchebags. I'm sick and tired of us not being on top. Where we gon' be? ALISTER: Sir! On top, sir! DARTZ: That's wight, the tippy-top, mayn! So in order to wefocus our effowts and weally take charge, I'm gonna wank all of you wight now. RAFAEL: You're going to what us? DARTZ: I wonna wank you! Aich of you! One at a time! Though I weserve the wight to make you guys pair off and wank each other later. VALON: I already had a wank in a bush! DARTZ: Why you being pwivate with your wanking, mayn? We share here! VALON: I was lonely! DARTZ: Okay, you! The big gaaah! What's your name? RAFAEL: Rafael. DARTZ: Okay, Wafael. Fwom now on, you will be my number 1 wanked mayn. If I eva' need to handle something hawd, I will come wight to you. 'Cause of how highwy I wank you. You outwank everyone else here. RAFAEL: Thank you? DARTZ: The west of you, go forth, and put my pwans into action, man! And then I might consider we-wanking you. By odah of dyk sawze. ALISTER: These meetings get f*cking weird. (cut to Pegasus' personal compound) PEGASUS: Oooh! I'm going to see Yugi-boy again! I haven't been this excited for a reunion since the Spice Girls in 2007! ???????: Speaking of reunions, how would you like to test out my girl power? PEGASUS: Oh no, it's Baby Spice! My least favorite Spice Girl! The horror! The un-fabulousness! (cut to Joey's apartment; Joey is calling Serenity) JOEY: That's right, Serenity! We're going to America! SERENITY: (on the phone) I thought we lived in America. JOEY: Oh. Right. Yeah, I mean, we're flying from America, to America. 'Cause that's where we live. SERENITY: Where are you going? CAPTION: [[w:c:yugioh:4Kids Entertainment|4kids] dialogue] JOEY: Somewhere in California. SERENITY: That's not very helpful. JOEY: Serenity, how much more specific can I get? (speaking slowly) Somewhere, in California. SERENITY: But where? JOEY: Some''where. '''SERENITY': Why won't you tell me where you're going?! JOEY: I just did! Hey, I wonder how Tristan's getting on? You know, what with his severe phobia of packing. (cut to Tristan at his house; he screams as he struggles to pack his things) (cut to game shop; Yugi is packing his things) YUGI: Well, my luggage is full of magical Egyptian artifacts and leather outfits. I'm sure that won't raise any red flags during airport security. YAMI: Yugi. Something is weighing heavily upon my soul. YUGI: What is it, Pharaoh? The fate of the world rests in our hands? You're worried about the safety of our friends? You think we can't overcome this challenge? YAMI: No, I was just gonna ask if I could have the window seat. YUGI: You don't even have a body— YAMI: Yes, but if I sit anywhere else, I'm either stuck between two fat guys, or the flight attendants keep waking me up by hitting me in the head with their butts. Do you know how awful it is to wake up with someone's butt slapping you in the face? Overrated! YUGI: Get some rest, Pharaoh. We'll talk about it in the morning. YAMI: I wonder if there are card games on the moon. (the next day; cut to the airport) ATTENDANT: Welcome to the airport! We hope you like having your personal space invaded and being treated like a known criminal! Because that's what we do here! Also, if you're flying United Airlines, f*ck you! Your flight is cancelled! And I'm glad! (cut to Solomon with Yugi and his friends) SOLOMON: Be careful in America, Yugi. I hear their society is so backwards that it revolves around money instead of card games. YUGI: I will show them a better way. TRISTAN: Look at all those fancy boats! GUARD: Uh, excuse me, is one of you the main character? YUGI: Yeah, I'm the main character. GUARD: Your hair checks out. This is the group. Master Pegasus has reserved you all his private jet, which will fly you all the way to somewhere in California. (cut to Joey sitting in one of the seats) JOEY': How long will it take to get to somewhere? GUARD: Somewhere between "soonish" and "later on". (cut to another guard struggling to lift a bag into the plane's cargo hold) GUARD 2: This bag sure is as heavy as two teenage boys! Don't ask me how I know that! (the guard succeeds in throwing the bag into the cargo hold) REX: (from inside the bag) Ow! WEEVIL: (same) Watch it, fartknocker! GUARD 2: Hey Glen, this bag just called me a fartknocker! GLEN: (offscreen) Well, if the shoe fits... GUARD 2: Oh, you're so bad! WEEVIL: This plan rules! We're gonna score! Heheheheh! REX: Uhuhuhuh, yeah. Wait, what if I gotta pee? WEEVIL: In another few hours, the sun will rise. REX: You said "rise". (the plane has taken off) FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Here's your tasteless lukewarm inflight meal. JOEY: Hey, it's that stuff that stand-up comedians are really confused about! I laugh when they talk about the food! (the plane lands in California) CAPTION: in California, Somewhere in the USA TRISTAN: Guys, the boat is sinking! (cut to guards with a car) GUARD: Everybody, please get inside. JOEY: Wooow, a freakin' automobile! Talk about travelin' in style! YUGI: Joey, we've traveled by cruise ship and blimp before. Are you really that impressed by a car? JOEY: Holy crap, it has wheels and sh*t! TÉA: Hey, guys, I think we grabbed somebody else's bag. This one keeps giggling to itself and making annoying fart jokes. YUGI: Well, we can't just leave it lying around. We'd better give it to airport security so they can leave it lying around. And get really mad at whoever owned the bag for losing it even though it probably wasn't their fault. TRISTAN: (waves his hand) Somebody farted... (cut to KaibaCorp) KAIBA: Tell everybody that even though my company specializes in giant monsters attacking things, (cut to Kaiba and the PR guy) we had absolutely nothing to do with these giant monster attacks!! Also, fire our PR guy!! PR GUY: Eeeh... I'm the PR guy, sir. KAIBA: Well, good, because you're gonna have lots of public relations when you're out there on the street, with the public!! Because fired!! (the PR guy leaves) God, firing people makes me feel so powerful. I wonder if I can fire people in other companies. (starts the answering machine) Mokuba, get the CEO of Stark Industries on the phone! (no response) Mokuba, respond! MOKUBA: Seto, I've been standing here for the last five hours. KAIBA: Shut up Mokuba, I'm trying to talk to Mokuba! (tries starting the answering machine) Mokuba! Mokuba, respond! Okay, while that Mokuba slacks off, what do you want, Mokuba? MOKUBA: Seto! Some anonymous person is buying all the company's shares, and now owns more than 50% of KaibaCorp! KAIBA: That makes no sense! What happened to all the other shareholders? (gets on his computer to check the statistics) MOKUBA: Well, you fired most of them. KAIBA: That doesn't sound like me. Hang on, let me talk to Mokuba about it. (tries the answering machine again) Mokuba! Mokuba, respond! He's usually so efficient, I don't get it. (phone rings) Ah, this is probably Yugi calling to tell me that I actually won Battle City and that he owes me, like, all of his trading cards! MOKUBA: You say that every time the phone rings. KAIBA: (picks up the phone) Yugi! I knew this day would come! PEGASUS: (on TV) Kaiba-boy! KAIBA: Pegasus-man! PEGASUS: I suppose you're wondering who just bought the majority of your company's shares. KAIBA: Was it... Yugi? PEGASUS: No, silly-billy, it was me! KAIBA: That was gonna be my third guess. PEGASUS: Who was your second? KAIBA: ...Yugi. PEGASUS: That's right, Kaiba. I'm basically in charge of your company now. Remember in Season 1 where I was trying to do that, and had to resort to kidnapping? It turns out I could have just done this. KAIBA: Are you out of your mind, Pegasus?! PEGASUS: If you want to get your shares back, you'll come to my castle and Duel me for them! KAIBA: I knew it! This is just some lame attempt to get me to come see you so you can hit on me with a bunch of cheap innuendos, isn't it? PEGASUS: Perish the thought, Kaiba-boy! This is a perfectly innocent card game challenge. KAIBA: Seriously? PEGASUS: Seriously. KAIBA: You promise there won't be any flirting? PEGASUS: Boy Scout's honor, Kaiba-boy. KAIBA: Well, then. Okay, I accept your challenge! PEGASUS: Then, I'll see you later, Kaiba. KAIBA: See you then, for our totally innocent and not at all creepy, perverted Duel. (beat) PEGASUS: We gonna f*ck. KAIBA: GOD DAMN IT, NO! (ending; "Say You'll Be There", by the Spice Girls plays) CAPTIONS: you're looking for the new episode, it's Somewhere in California can help us make more content at www.patreon.com/littlekuriboh or by continuing to be awesome! Thanks! (stinger; cut to game shop at season 1) KAIBA: (singing to "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis) I'm gonna trade some cards, Only got twenty million dollars in my pocket. I'm gonna Summon, Lookin' for a Blue-Eyes, This is Seto Kaiba.﻿ MOKUBA: Hey big bro, can we go thrift shopping? KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba. (bloopers) CAPTION: 1 MOKUBA: Some anonymous person is buying all the company's shares, and now owns more than 50% of 50%! CAPTION: 2 PEGASUS: Oh, no! It's Baby— (coughs) Sorry. Ugh...oh, dear. 4x03